Tag Archives: Presidential Candidates

Mitt Romney Needs A Celebrity Tough Guy Endorsement. Stat!

1 Feb

Mike Huckabee started it off with Chuck Norris. Today, John McCain jumped on board with Arnold Schwarzenegger, the Governator of California.

If you’re a Republican presidential candidate in 2008, an endorsement from a celebrity tough guy is a must have.

You know Mitt Romney, currently running second to McCain and with no tough guy endorsement, has to have staff scouring ’80s action films and TV series.  Given that I spent a lot of the ’80s (OK, who’s kidding, a lot of my life) watching bad TV and film, who better than me to lend the beleaguered Romney campaign a little free advice?

Here’s one man’s short list of action stars that Romney could draft to support him along with some pros and cons for each:

Sly Stallone

Pros: Plays not one but two iconic figures, Rocky & Rambo, both of which start with the letter “R” as in Romney or “Reagan” who “R”epublicans worship.  Also, both of his characters are underdogs who win in all at the end, which would dovetail nicely with a Romney comeback.

Cons: Rambo couldn’t take the top box office spot this past weekend, coming in second to Meet The Spartans.  Could Stallone’s appeal be slipping?  Then, there’s the baggage of his recent admission of human growth hormone usage.  Why would Romney risk getting caught up in that mess?

Steven Seagal

Pros: Still has wide appeal with straight to DVD audience.  Speaking of wide, has put on some pounds and would be slimming next to Romney.

Cons: There’s the hair.  There’s his ambition to make music.  And simply doesn’t have the name recognition of a Stallone.

 Jackie Chan

Pros: Known world around.  Does his own stunts.

Cons: There’s the language issue.  And he’s not an American citizen, which could backfire on Romney given his stance on immigration.

Jean-Claude Van Damme

Pros: I see the bumper sticker already.  Dammit all, I like Romney!

Cons: Another non-U.S. citizen.  In fact, he’s from Belgium, which most Americans don’t believe exists and would find confusing. In addition, he’s been married like 30 times, which would be awkward for Romney’s family values platform.

If none of the above work, don’t panic.  Romney could always set his sights on A-Lister Bruce Willis or go real old school with pistol packing Chuck Heston.  That’s old testament conservative, baby!

Santa’s Three Sure Signs a Candidate is B.S.-ing You

19 Jan

Just woke up and realized it’s almost February of 2008.  Less than a year until we elect our next president and about a year til he/she takes office.  Crap!  I’m screwed!  I have no idea who I’m really supporting and time’s running out.

In a slight panic and in the interest of helping everyone make an informed choice, I enlisted an old friend and jolly right old Elf indeed.  You may know him as Chris Kringle AKA Santa Claus, Big Daddy Xmas or  The Anti-Grinch. 

Go to fullsize image

Now, Santa and I go way back.  He was particularly generous to me in my childhood and was someone I counted on to reward me for good behavior.  Santa always had my back, so I knew he’d be up to the task of giving me some good guidance to share on what to look for as we all decide who to support this year.  And let’s face it, he’s not up to much this time of year.

Taking advantage of the lax North Pole privacy laws, what follows is a transcript of our taped telephone conversation:

Go to fullsize imagePhone rings.  Unidentified slightly high pitched male voice answers “North Pole.  Have you been naughty or nice today?”

Me: “Uh, nice. (I’m lying I didn’t give up my seat for an elderly lady on the commute in and am hoping that  it hasn’t made it into Santa’s records yet)  Is the big guy in?”

Same Unidentified voice – “Who should I say is calling?

Me: “Tell him it’s Tidewater Jackson.  He’ll know.”

SUV – “Please hold”  I’m left on hold listening to I think an old Burl Ives recording but not completely certain.  It’s possible it could be Mel Torme and then Father Christmas himself gets on the phone.

Santa – “Why Tidewater Jackson, long time.  Long time.  How’ve ya been son?”

Me: “I’ve been good Santa.  And thanks so much for all the gifts for my kids.  They, I mean, we, we really appreciate it.”

Santa – “No trouble at all.  They earned it.  You’ve got two good kids there.  Not like a certain young man I remember back in the 70s, eh”  (Santa never lets go of reminding me of that one year or two where I got those lumps of coal)

Me: “Anyway, I’m doing a blog now”

Santa – “Not you too!  Jimeny, the whole world thinks that because they’ve mastered the art of typing that they should share their every little thought with the rest of us.  Do you know that I caught one of the Elves doing an anonymous blog about the internal politics here at the Pole?  Like I don’t have enough to deal with.”

Me: “I hear ya, Santa.  I hear ya.  Listen, do you mind if I get a couple of words of guidance from you to share with the people who read my blog?”  (I neglect to mention it’s all three of them with one of them  being me)

Go to fullsize imageSanta: “Ok, kiddo.  You’ve got two minutes, but only because I felt kinda of guilty about that coal in ’76.  Now that, coal in ’74, that you earned.  That cat never was the same after that stunt you pulled.  But in ’76, I was trying to cut back on smoking for the first time and looking back I guess I was a little on edge.  Tidewater, you probably didn’t merit the coal that year boy.   And I tried to make up for it this year with your kids’ presents.  Feels good to get that off my chest.”

Me: “No. No. It was good.  I learned a lot from that experience.  You helped me grow up.  Anyway, I wanted to ask you, since you’ve seen so many world leaders in your time, what should all of us in America look for in our next president.”

Santa – “Can I do it in list form?  I know people like lists.  I’m a regular Letterman watcher now, you know?  Used to be a Leno guy.  For a long time.  But I feel like I’ve been there and done that.  Still, can you believe they’re gonna push him out for Conan?”

Go to fullsize imageNOTE – Santa is a BIG TV watcher.  Conversation goes on for another five minutes about TV, reality shows (he likes Big Brother) classic sitcoms, etc.  He’s got a lot of time on his hands.  In the end, Mrs. Claus, interrupts that there’s a mange emergency with some of the reindeer.  Santa tries to get off the phone but I’m able to get these comments out of him, which I’m presenting in list form at his demand.

SANTA’S TOP THREE SURE SIGNS THAT A CANDIDATE IS B.S.-ING YOU:

Number Three – “Candidate utters the phrase ‘I’m for cutting taxes’.  Is there a person alive who isn’t for lower taxes?  Talk about an empty statement.  It’s kind of like boldly admitting that you love puppies!  If it were up to me, I’d ask all the candidates at the first debate whether they would cut taxes.  Then, when they all answered yes.  I’d ban them from ever talking about it again so that we could get to some real issues.”

Go to fullsize imageNumber Two– “Candidate says ‘I believe marriage should be between a man and woman’.  Talk about a diversionary tactic.  This is just a blatant play to stir up conservatives who don’t realize that gay marriage or not, straight marriage is already in trouble.  Aren’t about half of you getting divorced?  I blame Chico’s clothing.  Personally, Mrs. Claus never wears that stuff.  You don’t see me asking the Elves what’s going on during off hours.  Anyway don’t you guys have bigger problems than trying to stop two men or two women from being as miserable together as the rest of us? Sorry that’s an old joke.  Hey, please don’t tell the Mrs. about that last line…  I’m serious”

Number One– “Candidate says ‘I’m the outsider’ or ‘I’m the agent of change’.  What they don’t say is how much they’re indebted to their big money donors, special interests and corporations.  Do you have any idea how much money I shell out each year to make sure I get flyover rights on Christmas?  Trust me, when Santa calls, your leaders are taking the call and taking dictation.  It’s the same thing with any big company.  Listen I really gotta run, but good luck with your blog (I sense a suppressed laugh).  All the best my boy and do me a favor lad, next time give up your seat to an older person.”

Damn…