Happy Holidays, everyone!
After spending much of the holiday season working doggedly to deny health coverage to millions, conservatives fresh off that likely loss have moved onto a shocking new target.
That’s right. The jolly old elf who spends each Christmas Eve night bringing the world’s children some joy is the latest target of the political right.
“First, it’s healthcare and now it’s the holidays being taken over by liberal big government.” warns conservative leader A. Stankwell Jenkins III. Jenkins goes on to explain “it’s not that we have anything against Christmas, after all it’s the birthday of one of my favorite people, the baby Jesus. But, what I don’t like and others like me agree with is Santa’s incursion into our homes with the full support and aid of the US Government under direction of our foreign-born president.”
When probed for proof of a connection between Santa and the US Government, conservative leaders point to mainly two pieces of purported evidence. “What I’d like to know is how this round fellow manages to break into homes across the country at basically the same time every year and yet is never caught. You’ve got to have police involved in this cover up,” asserts Bud Rick Stallings Jr, Jenkins’ chief of staff at his public advocacy organization, Conservatives Against States Hegemony or CASH for short.
“Second, there’s the overt support of the US Military who tracks and aids Santa during his yearly deliveries” explains Stallings, who supplied this link as further proof:
(Note from Full Contact – In fairness, it can’t be denied that from the link above it’s pretty clear the US Military is very aware of all of Santa’s movements)
Stallings goes on to further explain the concerns of CASH. “What we don’t like is some stranger coming into our homes uninvited and uncontested. Sure, he’s supposedly leaving gifts, but who’s to say what kind of information he’s collecting and all with the full support of the liberal US government. I’m telling you it’s nothing short of a brilliant conspiracy to get government into our homes. It’s not enough they’re in our healthcare, our wallets, now they want to be in homes and looking around. That’s just plain scary to me.”
Conservatives like Stallings and Jenkins, are targeting Santa for more than just being in league with the US Government, however. For most, there’s a basic philosophical problem with Santa.
Jenny Ray Evans-Moskowitz explains. “For conservatives, America is not about hand outs or free rides.” Ms. Evans-Moskowitz, is an aspiring conservative talk show host, who records show inherited much of her 5.6 million dollar net worth from the estate of her late father, Ray Gene St. Evans , who made a fortune in the sixties and seventies in the sweat shop and slum lord industries.
“What we object to” Evans-Moskowitz goes on “is children or for that matter anyone getting something for nothing. And worse yet, it’s not something for nothing. I’m paying for it. You are paying for it.”
When asked how, Evans-Moskowitz replies “the military aids santa, the police aid santa. Who do you think they get their money from? Why me and you of course. And giving something to poor people is simply un-American and wrong”
Stallings chims in “Look, I have no problem with kids getting gifts. But, it ought to be gifts their parents had the decency to buy for them. These rugrats from do nothing parents too lazy to pursue the American dream shouldn’t be given gifts basically paid for by the US taxpayer.”
Some have questioned how conservatives, many of whom profess to have deep and typically Christian beliefs, could possibly come out against Santa.
The Reverend Pete Lane Walker Komisky is the chaplain for CASH. He was eager to try to make us understand how a Jesus loving man of the cloth or for that matter any conservative could come out against Santa. So much so, that the Reverend took time to video link to us as his private pilot flew his personal jet to a corporate retreat/Christmas Party in Barbados. Records show that tax loopholes allowed the company in question to deduct the cost of the Christmas party from their annual tax obligation.
Komisky would not address the tax situation related to the retreat he was set to attend.
On other matters, Komisky had this to say. “Look, I know everyone thinks of Jesus as some kind of hippy, liberal guy. But, I just don’t think the evidence supports that. It’s a view that like everything else has been skewed by the liberal American media.”
At this point, the Reverend took a break to pop open a bottle of Dom Perignon, took a sip and went on. “The Jesus that I think is more accurate is Jesus in the temple kicking butt. It’s frequently misinterpreted as Jesus being upset that people were conducting business in a place of worship. It wasn’t that at all. It seems quite clear to me that these men were competitors to Jesus’ business interests. He did what any good business leader would do and worked quickly to up his market share.
After all, there’s a reason GOD said go forth and be fruitful. We’re supposed to do good works and profit from them. THAT’S good for society. If I get rich, the trickle down to the rest of society is tremendous. Tell me, who really benefits if some poor kids get gifts for nothing? They learn nothing and society certainly doesn’t benefit. The rich get richer because they’re doing GOD’s will. It’s that simple”
Jenkins sums up conservative opposition to and fear of Santa in the last thing he says to us “after all, there must be a reason Santa Claus wears red…”
Maybe they’re on to something…. Or maybe they’re misguided. You be the judge.
Merry Christmas to all, conservatives and liberals and everyone in between!
Santa is a big fat guy who sits around most of the year. Winter is his favorite season. He’s clearly a big football fan.
It got me thinking. What if Santa went with his favorite NFL stars past and present to pull his sleigh this Christmas rather than reindeer? After all, NFL players are much stronger than tiny reindeer and the reindeer could probably use a break. He’d just have to use his Santa magic to give the NFL guys the power of flight and then they’d be off to the races.
Being around so long Santa’s seen a lot of ball. So, who would Santa pick to sub in for his team of nine?
Here’s my best guess:
Dasher – Bullet Bob Hayes. This former Cowboy is the only man to win an Olympic Gold Medal and Super Bowl ring. He averaged a mind blowing 20 yards per catch in his career and more than earned his place on Santa’s team.
Dancer – Billy “White Shoes” Johnson. If you watched football in the ’70s and ’80s like Santa, there’s no way you missed this guy. He started the end zone dance craze and was an amazing return man. Made the NFL 75 Year Anniversary Team as its punt returner & now takes his place on Santa’s squad as well.
Vixen – Jessica Simpson. This one would be a tough pick as few NFL stars would be up for playing the Vixen role. Santa calls an audible and goes with Jessica Simpson for her news making role as Tony Romo’s Yoko-like distraction. (Georgia Frontiere, Madame Ram, is the runner up here)
Comet – Kurt Warner. Comets only come by every few years but shine brightly when they do. Comets are worth the wait and so are great years from Warner. He may not be consistent but his flashes have been great football to watch. And after all, he’s been a Ram already…
Rudolph The Red Nose Reindeer – Joe Montana. Just like Rudolph, Montana came out of college and wasn’t wanted. He didn’t look the typical NFL QB. Like Rudolph, he may not have looked the part, but he sure could lead a team and both are true winners. Besides, red is definitely Montana’s best color…
Happy Holidays everyone!