It’s a Wonderful Life PLUS Fishbone = Lost Christmas Classic

Merry Christmas to all!  And may you all have a good life!!

After spending much of the holiday season working doggedly to deny health coverage to millions, conservatives fresh off that likely loss have moved onto a shocking new target.

Santa!

That’s right.  The jolly old elf who spends each Christmas Eve night bringing the world’s children some joy is the latest target of the political right.

“First, it’s healthcare and now it’s the holidays being taken over by liberal big government.” warns conservative leader A. Stankwell Jenkins III.  Jenkins goes on to explain “it’s not that we have anything against Christmas, after all it’s the birthday of one of my favorite people, the baby Jesus.  But, what I don’t like and others like me agree with is Santa’s incursion into our homes with the full support and aid of the US Government under direction of our foreign-born president.”

When probed for proof of a connection between Santa and the US Government, conservative leaders point to mainly two pieces of purported evidence.  “What I’d like to know is how this round fellow manages to break into homes across the country at basically the same time every year and yet is never caught.  You’ve got to have police involved in this cover up,” asserts Bud Rick Stallings Jr, Jenkins’ chief of staff at his public advocacy organization, Conservatives Against States Hegemony or CASH for short.

“Second, there’s the overt support of the US Military who tracks and aids Santa during his yearly deliveries” explains Stallings, who supplied this link as further proof:

http://www.noradsanta.org/en/index.html

(Note from Full Contact  – In fairness, it can’t be denied that from the link above it’s pretty clear the US Military is very aware of all of Santa’s movements)

Stallings goes on to further explain the concerns of CASH.  “What we don’t like is some stranger coming into our homes uninvited and uncontested.  Sure, he’s supposedly leaving gifts, but who’s to say what kind of information he’s collecting and all with the full support of the liberal US government.  I’m telling you it’s nothing short of a brilliant conspiracy to get government into our homes.  It’s not enough they’re in our healthcare, our wallets, now they want to be in homes and looking around.  That’s just plain scary to me.”

Conservatives like Stallings and Jenkins, are targeting Santa for more than just being in league with the US Government, however.  For most, there’s a basic philosophical problem with Santa.

Jenny Ray Evans-Moskowitz explains.  “For conservatives, America is not about hand outs or free rides.”  Ms. Evans-Moskowitz, is an aspiring conservative talk show host, who records show inherited much of her 5.6 million dollar net worth from the estate of her late father, Ray Gene St. Evans , who made a fortune in the sixties and seventies in the sweat shop and slum lord industries.

“What we object to” Evans-Moskowitz goes on “is children or for that matter anyone getting something for nothing.  And worse yet, it’s not something for nothing.  I’m paying for it.  You are paying for it.”

When asked how, Evans-Moskowitz replies “the military aids santa, the police aid santa.  Who do you think they get their money from? Why me and you of course.  And giving something to poor people is simply un-American and wrong”

Stallings chims in “Look, I have no problem with kids getting gifts.  But, it ought to be gifts their parents had the decency to buy for them.  These rugrats from do nothing parents too lazy to pursue the American dream shouldn’t be given gifts basically paid for by the US taxpayer.”

Some have questioned how conservatives, many of whom profess to have deep and typically Christian beliefs, could possibly come out against Santa.

The Reverend Pete Lane Walker Komisky is the chaplain for CASH.  He was eager to try to make us understand how a Jesus loving man of the cloth or for that matter any conservative could come out against Santa.  So much so, that the Reverend took time to video link to us as his private pilot flew his personal jet to a corporate retreat/Christmas Party in Barbados.  Records show that tax loopholes allowed the company in question to deduct the cost of the Christmas party from their annual tax obligation. 

Komisky would not address the tax situation related to the retreat he was set to attend.

On other matters, Komisky had this to say.  “Look, I know everyone thinks of Jesus as some kind of hippy, liberal guy.  But, I just don’t think the evidence supports that.  It’s a view that like everything else has been skewed by the liberal American media.” 

At this point, the Reverend took a break to pop open a bottle of Dom Perignon, took a sip and went on.  “The Jesus that I think is more accurate is Jesus in the temple kicking butt.  It’s frequently misinterpreted as Jesus being upset that people were conducting business in a place of worship.  It wasn’t that at all.  It seems quite clear to me that these men were competitors to Jesus’ business interests.  He did what any good business leader would do and worked quickly to up his market share. 

After all, there’s a reason GOD said go forth and be fruitful.  We’re supposed to do good works and profit from them.  THAT’S good for society.  If I get rich, the trickle down to the rest of society is tremendous.  Tell me, who really benefits if some poor kids get gifts for nothing?  They learn nothing and society certainly doesn’t benefit.  The rich get richer because they’re doing GOD’s will.  It’s that simple”

Jenkins sums up conservative opposition to and fear of Santa in the last thing he says to us “after all, there must be a reason Santa Claus wears red…”

Maybe they’re on to something….  Or maybe they’re misguided.  You be the judge.

Merry Christmas to all, conservatives and liberals and everyone in between!

I’m many things and have many talents.  Auto mechanics is NOT one of them.  So, I buy quality cars and then pay (presumably) quality people to repair them on those rare occasions when I have car trouble.

Recently, my CHECK ENGINE light came on.  A shot of dread hit my whole body full force.  Clearly my car was going to die.  Soon.

Before throwing money at the problem, I decided to get brave.  I checked the car manual.  This is the manual for a car not made in the States and it’s written in a style that makes me feel the author(s) were not even of this planet.  Despite misgivings, I dove in.

I found a section on the various warning lights and other lights that are supposed to pop up when my car has to tell me something.  And there it was CHECK ENGINE.  I expected a dire warning like “when this light comes on, get out of the car.  Get out of the car now.  We’re not kidding.  Something is about to explode.”

What I got was no explanation and just a tersely worded direction to check page 283.  Why 283 when all the other warning lights had brief explanations in the actual warning light section?  That I’ll never know but I pondered it unsuccessfully as I thumbed my way back to page 283.

There it was.  The alien authored car manual explained that either there was something wrong with my exhaust system (ughh!) or my gas cap hadn’t been screwed on correctly.  The solution to the second problem was to simply unscrew the gas gap and screw it back on. 

Screwing.  That I could handle.  Especially, screwing up when it comes to auto repair.

Anyway, I did as instructed and then waited.  The manual warned that if I tried the screwing back on option, the light would NOT instantly disappear, but if the problem was solved the light would disappear after three rides.  Not one, not two, not 811, but three rides.

The next few days were tense to say the least.  I tried to wait patiently but couldn’t help constantly glancing down at the little yellow warning light.  I almost crashed a few times, but it was worth it.  I had to see, NO, I had to will the light to go away.  But, the light seemed to like me and I have to admit I was growing a bit attached to it to despite myself.

Coincidentally, we had to bring my wife’s car in for service this week.  Nothing big, just routine service.  You know the type someone like me can’t usually handle and lets the pros deal with.

On the way to pick up my wife’s car, I silently admitted that I had lost the battle with my friend the little yellow CHECK ENGINE light.  Clearly, the probably wasn’t a loose gas cap.  It HAD to be a problem with my exhaust.

And then I glanced down.  We were about to pull into the dealer lot to pick up my wife’s car.  I planned to drop off my car to our mechanic the next day and then I saw… 

Well… I saw NOTHING! 

No CHECK ENGINE light.  Clearly, I had solved the problem.  My gas cap must have been loose. 

Victory was mine and so too was the savings from not having to pay a pro to tighten my gas cap or worse yet, replace my exhaust for the heck and profit of it.

It feels great to be able to say I fixed my car even if all I did was tighten the gas cap. 

Thank you Mr. Warning Light.  Where ever you are now, may you shine on. 

And thanks too to the much maligned aliens who wrote my car’s manual.  Nice work and please say hello to your cousins on Romulac Five for me!

Happy Thanksgiving to all!

You know you want the full contact.  And we want to give it to you more often.

So, now we’re on twitter.  God help us!

Please follow along.

You’ll find us listed as Tidewaterjacksn.  

No O!!   Kinda like the Buffalo Bills…

It’s part of our human make up to be curious about the grass on the other side of the fence.  Rock stars are no exception.

Guitar gods frequently yearn to be lead singers.  And lead singers often can’t resist the temptation to strap on an axe.  The catch is it seldom works. 

Sure, there are double threats who can sing and play really well, but this post isn’t focused on them. 

Instead, here’s some examples of lead singers who just don’t look right with a guitar.  Not saying they can’t play.  Just saying that they shouldn’t try.  It simply doesn’t work.

Witness Madge looking pained as she struggles to strum.

Love Daltrey, but isn’t being Tommy enough for him?

Anyone believing Mick’s amp is plugged in?  Shhhhhh.  Don’t tell him anything!

I’m on the fence on The King.  It’s clear he actually played a little when he started out in the Sun Records days.  By the Vegas years though, the guitar had transitioned to mainly prop status.  I wouldn’t bet against this one being made out of paper mache.

Happy November!

Finally!  A good use for auto-tune!

Drinking!  Dancing!  Diplomacy!   That’s how Hillary rolls and change I CAN believe in!

The evidence is :25 seconds in.  Enjoy…

Quick note from work yesterday.  Went into the men’s room to take a leak (as we all do from time to time – damn you, caffeine!) and what do I see?

It’s a co-worker of mine standing at a urinal peeing while simultaneously brushing his teeth. 

I’ve written several times before about the crazy things co-workers do in the company bathroom, but this one takes the cake.

First off, congratulations to him for being able to pull it off.  Brushing your teeth while urinating is not easy to do.  So I’ve heard…

But, more importantly, why would you even try?  I wouldn’t attempt that trick at home let alone at work.

There’s just something about standing up and peeing and taking care of oral hygiene at the same time that don’t mix.

But, maybe that’s me…

And it only leads me to wonder what he multi-tasks with while doing number two.

You gotta see this to believe it. 

It actually works well together.   Like chocolate and peanut butter….

Last night, I wrote a post saying that Facebook sucks.

This morning, I woke up to my first friend request. 

All is good with the world.  Facebook is awesome and clear proof of my dynamic personality.  I knew people would flock to it.  It just took a little time for the word to get out.  Maybe now that I’m validated and all, I’ll be able to stop checking it every 5 minutes.

Thanks, Facebook.  All is forgiven.

Sincerely,

Tidewater Jackson