Writing once again on the topic of pressing threats to the American Marriage, this latest post highlights one of the most misunderstood challenges to the happily ever after. My hope is that Americans from coast to coast (but not in Hawaii or Alaska) will soon learn the lessons I’ve gleaned from many years of study on the subject of how to avoid marital pitfalls.
No need to thank me. It’s just my way of giving back as a happily married guy. I do what I can. Now, on with the show…
Communication. I tell you what I feel. You tell me what you feel. And we all feel better. Right?
Wrong!
Many so-called “experts” with their fancy degrees and whatnot will tell you that honest communication between a wife and husband is the key to a long and happy relationship. What these academics don’t realize is that it’s not communication so much as what you don’t communicate that’s the key to a good relationship.
Let me illustrate the difference. Communication is this: Wife - ”I think you spend too much time and money on your hobby” Husband – “That’s because we’ve grown apart and I value my hobby more than spending time with you.” Ouch! See? That’s not going to help anyone.
Let me give another example of “honest” communication: Husband – “Do these swim trunks look alright?” Wife – “You’ve put on 30 pounds since we’ve been married. Frankly, you look seven months pregnant. How about we skip the beach altogether?”
Open. Honest. Communication. It’s absolutely the quickest route to divorce.
“What are you suggesting? That I don’t speak to my spouse? That’s gonna be awkward. We share the same house after all!” I can hear all your questions. Clearly cutting off all communication with your spouse is not a rational option.
True good communication is about two things: lack of response and self-censorship. Anyone in a good working relationship will readily realize the truth in the previous sentence.
Don’t belive me?
Let’s use some more examples, after all they’re free…
Let’s say your spouse has a habit that you find somewhat annoying, not something utterly annoying like cheating on you. Let’s say your spouse is oh, I don’t know, habitually late. Early in the relationship you probably made the mistake of trying to change this. You might have dealt with it openly and honestly. You might have explained that you’re an on time kind of person and that it really frustrates you to have to wait around until she/he shows up. Years later, your spouse still can’t manage time to save her/his life. What do you do?
If you listen to the experts, you continually have discussions about the “problem” and it’s no stretch to say risk ending up in divorce court. If you listen to me, you suck it up and don’t say anything. It’s really hard to change someone.
If you really love your spouse, you have to weigh their annoying habits against your desire to spend your life with them. Once you realize the latter outweighs the former (even in an extreme case like Hillary Clinton’s if the former is cheating on you), you’ve got to keep quite and say nothing. That’s right! Nothing! Sometimes in a good relationship good communication is not saying anything!
Tell me I didn’t just BLOW YOUR MIND! Hang on, there’s more.
At times, you will be forced to respond to your spouse. It could easily be about something that you have a big difference of opinion on. Don’t panic. Hold it together. I’m here for you. Let introduce my little friend “self-censorship”. Self-censorship is a great tool and it saves many marriages every day.
Let’s say you’re angry. Really angry. And if you’re married, chances are you will be sooner or later. Remember the goal is to make it through for the long haul. You don’t get style points. No couple is lovey-dovey all the time and that’s ok. Especially if you remember self-censorship.
Easy tip: never say anything to your spouse you wouldn’t want said to you. I’m serious. For me, this means I’d never call my wife a “Yankee fan” as an example. Others might rather not be cursed at. It’s all up to you and your spouse.
But, that’s not the only way self-censorship can help you. Self-censorship protects you from revealing things to your spouse that they would never need to know, but would damage/threaten the relationship if they did. For instance, let’s say your spouse hates Barry Manilow. Thinks he’s cheesy and doesn’t respect his fine body of work. Even if you’re secretly the president of Mr. Manilow’s fan club, why risk your relationship to confront your spouse with your difference of opinion? Best, in this case, to keep your fandom in the closet. Think of it this way, a hundred years from now is it going to matter?
More dramatically, let’s say your spouse is the third best lover you’ve ever had. But, let’s say you love your spouse for more than just his/her bronze medal status in the sack. Maybe your spouse is thoughtful, a good person, a good parent, someone that gosh darn it all you just like spending your life with. And the sex is still pretty good. Then, why in the name of all that is holy would you ever let your partner know two other people topped him/her? Stupidity? Honesty? It’s a fine line.
Well, I think I’ve gone on long enough. By now, most of you have surely gotten the point.
So keep your marriage strong. Get out there and stop communicating!
PS – For more marital advice, clip on the “death of marriage” tag. You Know you want to!
2 Comments
May 20, 2008 at 2:26 pm
Funny but true.
May 21, 2008 at 1:27 am
like many of the best things in life! Thanks for checking out my blog & please spread the word on my marriage saving tips!