Welcome to the Death of Marriage Valentine’s Edition. As some of you may know, from time to time I do my part to defend the American marriage from emerging threats. It’s my way as a happily married guy to give something back to the community. Cause I’m like that…
Anyway, today’s threat to marriage is the state of sweet home Alabama. I know many of you are saying, what’s Alabama ever done to bring down marriage? Though truth be told, I actually know only one person from Alabama, I’m pretty sure that most Alabamans (is that what they’re called?) take pride in defending marriage from what they perceive as threats.
Well, recently a Federal Appeals Court overturned a Texas statute that banned the sale of sex toys. That action, now leaves Alabama with the strictest ban on the books against the sale of sex toys.
So I have to ask, Alabama, WHAT? Do you not believe in the sanctity of marriage and doing whatever we can to foster long lasting marriages? If Alabama, your answers are yes, then how can you be so shortsighted?
Speaking as a happily married man with no issues in any phase of his relationship with his beautiful wife, we of course would not be bothered at all by living in Alabama under such a ban. However, I think we would be bothered by having nothing much to root for but the Crimson Tide and nothing much to listen to save Lynyrd Skynyrd and the band Alabama. By the way, is Alabama from Alabama? Was Boston from Boston? Anyway, I’m getting off point.
My point IS that if two people (lets say a man and a woman to keep everyone in Alabama happy) are together for a long time, I do think it’s possible that they may eventually want to shake things up a little bit in the bedroom. After all, they do say variety is the spice of life. And, Alabama, so what if these loving couples want to try out a few sex toys? They stay happy and the economy prospers. Is that really so wrong?
Let’s play out what happens when married people don’t have the right to buy sex toys. Let’s call our couple Jim and Jane. Jim and Jane live in Alabama and are good God Fearing Christians. They’ve been faithful for 15 wonderful years. However, over time their sex life has become the same old same old. Jane, always a bit wilder than Jim (PS-that’s what drew Jim to Jane in the first place), suggests they buy a sex toy. Both are consenting adults and both are excited at the prospect of something new.
Oh right, but they live in Alabama, so here’s what happens:
a
) They are driven by the ban to the sex toy black market and purchase a sex toy manufactured outside the USA (maybe China). Jane develops a horrible skin condition after they test out the new toy. Jane is no longer able to have marital relations without pain. Over time, it drives a wedge between the two. Eventually, divorce…
b) Jim tries to buy the sex toy, but finds out about the ban. It reinforces his confused feelings about sexuality. He feels incredible guilt for almost getting the device. In the end, Jim experiences prolonged erectile dysfunction. In the confusion and frustration, Jane starts an affair with their next door neighbor which eventually ruins two marriages and families.
c) Never one to give up easily, Jane travels to a less restrictive state and loads up on several marital aids. Jim and Jane try them out and find that they enjoy some of the products. Unfortunately, the neighbor who lives next door from scenario B, finds out when Jim brags about a hot night spent with his wife Jane. Neighbor calls the cops. Jim and Jane face the scorn of their community and jail time. After three to six months of hard time, both find it hard to adjust to life back on the outside. Jim finally cracks and holds up a 7-11 in broad daylight so that he’ll be sent back to jail. (Kind of like Morgan Freeman almost did in Shawshank Redemption.) Jim and Jane never live together as man and wife again.
I hate to shock you but each and all of these scenarios are true, Alabama. They all happened in Texas while their ban was in effect.
Alabama, the institution and blessed sacrament of matrimony is at stake, the least you could do is let grown adults chose whether or not they want to buy sex toys. Or maybe down deep you really don’t care about protecting marriage.
Here’s hoping you prove me wrong…
2 Comments
February 15, 2008 at 4:45 am
It could happen… Places like that scare me!
February 15, 2008 at 4:49 am
We should all be very afraid of anything that threatens the institution of marriage….